Ever wonder why we withhold the good that is within us? As though extending it outward is going to cost us something. Yes, a little something indeed, the price – our ego. That part of us formed early on in childhood which keeps us separate by using its cunning, deceitful tools of victimhood and grief.
Case in point – one I happen to know well, myself. There are many to choose from, but I’ll share perhaps the biggest one that I’ve had to contend with in the past two decades. It is the experience I have as the mother of a special needs daughter with autism. I know this ego experience well and through time it has kept me closed and separate. My false self tells me that it is for my safety but it’s really only safe for the survival of my ego defense mechanisms. And they need to go.
I’ve probably always identified with this little “ego being” which either feels superior or inferior but never peaceful, let’s be honest. But the intensity of pain and loss really ramped up when I (my ego) felt hopeless and helpless as she failed to advance with her peers. Looking back, I thought I was a fairly positive, “see the glass half-full” kind of person, but now I see it was just projected outward and not consciously internal. When faced with pain my “ego being” would arrive right on time and project myself as a victim and the whole world (if I let it) as the perpetrator.
When my Molly was young and trying her best to navigate the overstimulated and frightening world, I would find myself wishing someone else might share our experience so that I wouldn’t feel so alone. I actually found myself thinking, “maybe their life will change and then they’ll see how it is.” Misery loves company they say, and I felt alone. Ultimately, I’d feel guilt and shame for thinking those less than Christian thoughts and then I’d have to have a glass or two of Merlot to not feel all the guilt and shame. But it never helped.
Sometimes when our lives got more and more difficult, I would harbor thoughts of “I hope they…. fill in the blank “some bad thing”! Isn’t that awful? Yes, it is, but I understand why the thoughts were there. It is awful in the sense that we fall into the pit of otherness and then idiotically figure the way to try and claw our way out is by pushing someone else into the pit as well. Even if we do in in our minds – where we think it won’t hurt anyone. That is an illusion because it hurts the person holding the thought – us. If everything is energy, then our thoughts have consequences. And our thoughts shape who we become, and I didn’t like the person she was turning into.
I’d find myself seeing pictures on Facebook showing everyone’s perfect outsides while I struggled with our less than perfect insides, trying to just get Molly to not meltdown any and every time we went out into the community. The feelings of jealously and envy were strong as I’d scroll on by without stopping to “like” or “love” anything. My ego wouldn’t let me. For if I did, I’d tell myself it wouldn’t be truthful. How could I like seeing their kid’s dance recital or prom pictures when I secretly wished it was us and that our roles were reversed? That is the ego incarnate in all its petty judgmental nature and it kept me from giving.
Ultimately, I began to learn the skills of mindfulness meditation and I realized my over-identification with the forms of thought. Through a lot of journaling, therapy, talks with trusted friends and contemplative practice I began to see my ego being for what it was – just this scared, frightened part of myself that kept me separate from others and the world. One secret of its operating system does this well by withholding love.
It was in a session with a client recently where we spoke about our tendencies to withhold our approval, love and forgiveness. It appears to happen to all of us under a wide berth of differentiating circumstances. But the end result is that we suffer for doing it. I gave my own examples of this and shared how I now understand (but don’t always see) how this only hurts me in the end. Whenever we withhold out of fear, loss, shame, sadness, grief, and anger – we lose. We think to ourselves they don’t deserve it, or we say, “she hurt me, so I’ll just not go to her birthday party and then she’ll be sorry, and she’ll reach out and say what did I do wrong? and I’m so sorry you were hurt, I’ll never do it again.” Isn’t it just comical and tragic at the same time to see the ego mind at play? But see it we must if we ever hope to change it. That is why mindfulness is the first step in gaining freedom from our thoughts.
Giving away love costs nothing! Not. A. Thing. Withholding love costs a lot. Giving our love doesn’t have to do be an outside gesture, word or action, although those things can be very good if given authentically. Extending the love in your heart is all that is necessary. It changes the field. The Course in Miracles states that “anytime there is a shift in perception from fear to love, miracles can occur”. The world needs a boatload of miracles these days. I for one am going to practice more opening into love no matter what. I am through with withholding. The cost is too great to bear and the gifts too precious to leave unopened. Who is with me?
