The theme of fear is something that appears to be more and more prevalent in our world these days. I suppose it has something to do with it being an election year. But ever since I’ve embarked upon the practice of mindfulness I’ve been noticing just how much fear pops into my own thoughts and if I’m not careful I’ll find myself a passenger on the Fear Express. It’s a train of thought that propels me into a land of “what if’s” and its journey is subtle yet sabotaging.
Just this weekend I experienced a situation where I noticed the fear of future impede on my present peace/happiness. My sister and I took my daughter, Molly, to a camp for special needs kids in the Ozark region. Needless to say we had a long drive – nine hours behind the wheel can make anyone tense. I’m sure my fight/flight/freeze brain was escorting me onto the fear train many times during the journey. Thoughts like, “is that truck crossing the center line?” or “will we make it in time for the check-in?” or “what if Molly’s anxiety causes her to react inappropriately – how will I handle it?” And on and on and on-these little annoying anxiety provoking side excursions. I know the thoughts are moving me on and off the train – it’s pretty automatic and most of the time I’m not even aware of it. But we did make it on time and no truck hit us and Molly did great. It wasn’t until the next morning that I recognized and gave some space to process just a bit how fear was impacting my mood. We were staying in a lovely resort hotel and enjoying a fabulous breakfast overlooking Table Rock Lake when I began to notice how my feeling of fear was encroaching again. “Investigate”, I told myself. “It’s the cloud cover” – “looks like we’re in for rain” people were saying. Immediately my thoughts are going to “what if we’re caught in a storm?” and “I hate driving in the rain” and “it is still tornado season” and my mood shifted into one of pensive, quiet, contracted fear – small, but no less fearful. However in that moment of mindful awareness I noticed “Ah, yes…that’s just future fear/anxiety and I can just observe it within me without any judgment – it just is.” And it left – just like that I got off the train. Later in the day while driving in the rain my sister remarked that she noticed how I had become quiet and sullen during breakfast. I realized that when traveling on the fear train I disconnect to some degree – even in that little moment I wasn’t open and honoring my “yes” to life’s experience.
The author Marianne Williamson explains that according to The Course in Miracles, “A miracle is just a shift in perception from fear to love. I am trying to remind myself of that daily and mindfully practice this shift when the tickets are cheap on the Fear Express. “How can I bring love into this moment? How might I be different if I acknowledge the fear yet soften the edges with love?”
Back to the election and whatever emotion it invokes in me – can I stay open to my intention of mindfully choosing yes and accepting whatever arises? Or will I be a passenger yet again on the Fear Express? All I know for sure is that I’m growing tired of riding trains to nowhere so I’ll set the intention to choose mindfully.
